Vocational counselling needed!

I am rethinking my career options.
For awhile, artist sounded like the way to go. I could be the wacky aunt, eclectic neighbor or local wackadoo. I get to wear clothes that don't match, play with pretty color, make things and have angst. Now I'm considering a different vocation.... Mermaid!
Being a mermaid would have many nice perks. I'd have a shiny tail, lovely singing voice and be an expert fellatrix.
I spend a LOT of time in the pool. Most days, I'm in an hour or two. I'm happiest when I'm swimming. Despite that lying astrological chart, I'm a water sign, not earthy in the least.  Maybe when the gypsies or aliens come back for me, I'll have my correct birth date, time & location and can get my chart redone.
I believe in the ability of sun and water to make people whole. The ocean rocks us like our mother because she is. Frankly, I have no idea why our ancestors climbed out. I want to climb back in. Maybe we were switched with the dolphins somehow. Dolphin skeletons have a vestigial thumb bone. We have a vestigial tail. I believe that if we were to have dolphin overlords, they would treat us much better than we have treated them.  Dolphins! When we swim, or do other pleasurable things, en-dolphins get released. They make us happy and they are addictive like opiates. "I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee! " (from one of my very favorite movies).  Anyway, the en-dolphins gobble up little bits of pain which is why swimming is a VERY important part of my pain management plan. I just corrected a typo on the previous line. It originally read "PLAIN management plan". Now I'm thinking that I need one of those too! It could revolve around removing all the banal and boring from my life.   Imagine everything shiny and fancy and colorful. When Dorothy lands in Oz and suddenly everything becomes technicolor is what I envision "Plain Management" to work like. I think we call could use a little Plain Management. It's probably reflected in the make movement and buying handcrafted instead of something plastic and mass produced.
Anyway, back to the mermaid thing. I'd have to grow my hair longer. Mermaids brush their hair a LOT. It seems kinda dull. I guess it's more fun if you're sunning yourself on a rock in the ocean tho. Oh yeah, I'd have to get a tail too. I imagine the hair to be much easier to come by. I do like shiny thing, would love to hang out with some interesting fish and am more graceful by far in water than out of it. So I'm almost there, right?